¡¿Qué coño hablas!?

You are probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about with a title like that. If that was your thought; then, yes... you are correct! It means "What the hell are you talking about?" What I love best about that phrase, is the Spanish version is 3 words, while the English version is 7. I'm not going to give a linguistics lesson today, it's more of a lesson about the versatility of the word "coño", its similarities and differences of literal translation and usage in English.

Coño, literally translated, is the 4 letter C-Word in English. I'm not typing out that word because my mother reads this blog. Hell, I'm afraid to say it at any time in fear that she'll know, come out running from nowhere, and backhand me. Yes, I'm that petrified of using that word. However, in Spain, this word is used very often in regular conversation, and I even have heard children use it. If you don't understand this culture, the very thought of hearing this sort of word probably makes you quiver.

In Spain, using swear words like coño, joder, puta, cajones, et al., as filler words, intesifiers, interjections, or to express heart-felt shame, annoyance, or flat vulgarity will make you seem fluent and like a true Spaniard. I'm starting to use these words quite regularly to the point of utterly impressing the Spanish friends I've made, and to outright fooling new friends that I've been an expat for years. I can't seem to pass off as a Spaniard... perhaps I'm still too white, freckly, and have too much of an American accent, though I'm commented many a times as to how well my accent is. Then again, I've only been here 10 weeks. To be honest, I'm quite impressed with how much language I've absorbed in such a short period of time. I hope I don't lose it when I travel the rest of Europe in the coming weeks.

Anyway... ¡Coño! As an interjection: it's the same way we'd use damn, shit, or fuck, for example, if we were to drop something, stub our toe, or express self-recognized shame or absent-mindedness. However, I'm not sure if 'coño' can be used in the same literal and vulgar sense as in English, like you know... the See-Word.

¡Cooooooooño! A long, drawn out, heart felt interjection. Not quite the same as the aforementioned, but more used to express disappointment or frustration when mishaps start to disrupt your usual routine of things.

¡Cooooño! He olvidado mi paraguas, y ahora llueve... "Uuuuuugh. I forgot my umbrella and now it's raining." I know... we'd normally say fuck or shit instead of uuuuugh, but I'm really trying to emphasize how loosely a word like coño is used in Spain. My teachers use it in this fashion, and I've heard children utter this word. At first, it irked me, but now, it's natural to hear the word. It let's me know I'm in Spain.

¡Coño, qué día más bonito hace! In this instance, it expresses surprise. "Wow! What a beautiful day!" When I got my midterm back a couple weeks ago, I was pleasantly surprised by the grade... I was expecting worse. I exclaimed: ¡Coño, qué buena nota! My teacher giggled, not at the inappropriateness, but the fact I used it in a correct, colloquial context. If I said that literally to a female teacher back in the States, I'd probably get clocked!

And now my favorite, and I use this often: ¿Cómo coño salgo? I say this when I need to get off the Metro and people are carelessly, but in reality, obliviously blocking the door for me to exit. Using coño in this instance denotes emphasis, seriousness, or simply attention to what you have said. The practical translation in English is: How in the hell (fuck) do I get off? Depending on your tone of voice, you can be taken as rude. I always use a light tone, and it always clears a path. It's more or less, the Spanish way of saying "Excuse me".

Overall, your tone of voice means everything in Spain. I find myself rarely ever saying please like I do back in the States. It's also not unusual to request things solely in the command form: "Dame la cuenta" (Give me the check) instead of "Me gustaría tomar la cuenta, por favor" (I would like to have the check, please). They get right to the point here, and I find it odd that in America, a culture dictated by efficienct non-BS processes, that we fill up our language with tons of "fluff words" and "proper" pragmatic tag words and phrases. I'll unlock that linguistic mystery some day!

Lastly, aside from during soccer matches, and at the TV screen, I never heard anyone yell "Coño" at a person in a direct manner. There is one exception. For instance, if you're at all offended by what I've written above, all I'd have to say is: "¡No te pongas así, coño!" (Don't get like that, Geez!) Unless you're my Mom, but I hope I've explained the usage well enough that she won't make a special trip to Spain to smack me across the mouth, or in this case, break my fingers.